On Questioning

TW: Swearing (f**k); mentions of aphobia and comments directed at grey/demi identities

So this feels like a weird post to be writing.

I’ll get straight to the point: for the past three years or so, I’ve identified as asexual. Ever since I found the word, and what it stood for, I just knew – that’s me. Not once had I felt sexual attraction to anyone, though I vaguely understood what it was supposed to be.

At the time, I said to myself (and others) “I’ll know it if I feel it.” And for those years, I felt nothing, despite being more than capable of it as an 18 year old.

Over the summer, I casually mentioned to a friend that I was feeling something, and described it to her. She instantly turned to me and went “Lost, normal people describe that as being horny.”

And if I’m being honest, I think she’s right.

This leaves me in a very bizarre state. Obviously if that’s the case, and I’m feeling this mysterious thing called ‘sexual attraction’, then I can hardly continue referring to myself as ace, because, well… I guess I’m not?

It’s not that I’m suddenly, magically “heterosexual” because I seriously don’t think I am. I rarely, if ever, feel sexual attraction, and it’s only ever been directed at one person out of the thousands I’ve met in my lifetime. 

Last night I brought it up with my close friends at home, and I’m lucky enough that all of them are well-versed enough in sexuality to understand what I meant when I said “I don’t think I’m totally ace.”

I explained the situation (which in short is “I’m-only-attracted-like-this-to-one-person-whom-I-happen-to-know-well”) and one of them suggested that perhaps I’m grey-ace or demisexual, both of which could fit me well.

Plus, the terms are ones I’m familiar with, and I’m well aware that asexuality is a  v a s t  spectrum. It wouldn’t be unheard of for me to switch labels.

BUT there’s something that’s holding me back from them.

Maybe it’s the fact that a while back, one of my flatmates (who is normally the most open-minded and understanding of the bunch when it comes to this) scoffed at the idea of demisexual and said it was just a term for snowflakes.

Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t want to come out again. Explaining asexuality is exhausting enough, but grey-ace or demi? I’m not stupid. I know that all people are going to care about is “Ooh, but who’s the person you’re feeling this for?”

(Spoiler alert: it’s none of your fucking business.)

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve seen aphobia first-hand. I’ve been told “Oh you’re just a late developer” and all that jazz and I just… I don’t want my experiences to reflect badly on the rest of the ace community? I don’t want people to be able to hold me up as an example and say “Look at this girl! She said she was ace, then decided she wasn’t when she grew up! She was just a special snowflake! Your identity is invalid!”

Absolutely fucking not.

Asexuality is a valid orientation, and just because my personal experiences have ended up this way, it doesn’t mean that all of us are the same. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING wrong with ace people and you can fight me if you want to try and use me as an example to justify your shitty aphobic arguments.

Honestly? I think I’m just tired of labels. Ace is something I used to describe myself, because I fit into the definition neatly. Now things are more…messy. I don’t want to use a different label, because it means explaining everything to people all over again, and if I’m being totally, totally, honest…

…I just don’t want to get hurt.

I’m confident enough in myself to know how I’m feeling, and that what I’m feeling is valid. I’m aware that people are not static, and that people are allowed to experiment as they like, and that if I wanted to use a different label, I am perfectly within my rights to do so.

But.

All it takes is one person to make an insensitive comment, or dismiss what I’m feeling, and I know exactly how heartbroken I’m going to be. Especially if it’s from someone I care about.

So where does this leave me?

Well, I think the right word to use here is “questioning.” I’m still learning a lot about myself, and all I know for certain right now is that the label of ace doesn’t quite fit me anymore, so I probably won’t be identifying as it from now on.

Will I tell my flatmates? Possibly. One of them will read this probably, so yanno. It’s bound to come up at some point. I’m just not entirely sure how to explain that something I’ve been so adamant about for so long has changed like this.

It’d be nice to hear other people’s stories about questioning, and if/how you went about letting people know – I know it’s kinda a long shot, but has anyone been through something similar?

Lots of love,
Lost Signature

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10 thoughts on “On Questioning

  1. Hey! It’s totally okay to change how you identify and I think it’s great that your confident enough in your own feelings to not necessarily want to label yourself. I’m really sorry that you’ve experienced aphonia and that your flatmate didn’t seem very understanding of demisexuality. I think, unfortunately, there is still a lack of understand of a lot of identities on the sexuality/gender spectrum. Questioning can be hard as it’s a very personal process and sometimes we feel pressured to label ourselves for the sake of others. Although I haven’t been exactly in your situation, I have been questioning my gender for a while now and struggling to fin a label that fits and that other people would understand (I think I might be genderfluid but I don’t know how to explain it to others so I’m just waiting until I’m more ready). I’d say just take things slowly and don’t rush into labelling yourself/telling others, maybe if your friends/flatmates bring up your identity/asexuality you could mention that your actually questioning whether that label still fits you, if you feel comfortable of course! I hope this made some sort of sense and you can always DM me on twitter if you want to chat! 💛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh whoa this actually just made my entire day, thank you so much 😭😭

      I agree on the lack of understanding, it’s something I find a lot when it comes to ace spectrums!! And yah, I’ll probably wait til it comes up in conversation – generally I’m quite open with my sexuality, it’s just the whole “yes I’m changing” and potential backlash that worries me a lil 😅

      And I hope you feel comfortable soon in your gender, or that you meet someone irl who kinda gets it 😇 the option for DM’s is open here too!! 💚💚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Firstly, I just want to let you know that it’s okay to question your sexuality *gives hug*
    Secondly, I understand what you mean with aphobia, so many people don’t get it and it can be daunting to try and explain and open up to people.
    Thirdly, I kind of understand. After discovering I was asexual, I realised that I had a “crush” on a girl which was a new experience for me. I came to the conclusion I’m biromantic asexual but I do often second guess this as I tend to be overwhelmingly more attracted to boys than girls.
    Finally, it’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to label yourself! Your sexuality is no one else’s business and as long as you’re happy in yourself, that’s all that matters 💛💛💛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhh Beth thank you so so much!! This has helped ease everything so, so much. If you ever wanted to chat about anything, my DMs on Twitter are always open too – it’s nice to have someone I can relate to 💚💚

      Like

  3. oof I felt a lot of this when I realized I wasn’t bi – I don’t even like to tell people I used to ID as bi bc I don’t want to do anything to further the stereotype that bi ppl are just gay and haven’t realized it and whatnot. Like just because thinking I was was personally a phase it doesn’t mean bisexuality is just a phase, ya know?

    And as for being ace I honestly don’t even fucking know where on the spectrum I fit – I’m personally happy to say I’m ace, and know that I mean that somewhat loosely (although I don’t usually bother to explain that to anyone else),but I definitely get the uncertainty around it.

    My DMs are always open if you need to talk about any of this. I’m here for you ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeessss that first paragraph is it EXACTLY – I don’t want pepple to think that because I’ve maybe phased out of being totally ace that it’s just something that people “grow out of”

      Ahh I see what you mean – I might use it loosely around people I don’t know so well but for the time being Imma keep thinking
      I’m glad you’ve found something your comfortable with!! 💚💚

      And thanks hun, same goes to you 😊💚😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah exactly, cause it’s not at all. It’s just that identity is confusing as fuck and sometimes people id with a term they don’t end up settling on bc it fits at the time, and that’s okay.

        And yeah you do you – I wasn’t at all saying that’s what you should do or anything, just that that’s what works for me personally ❤

        💜💜💜

        Liked by 1 person

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